The ultimate superpower you'd wanna have

Zhan: I think I'd have the power of telekinesis and flight because those two powers are not that common, really.

Fritz (think): not THAT common? watda?!?!

Fritz: Mine would be just one: glossolalia.

Zhan: How does that manifest?

Fritz: It's like when I speak, my audience hears me in the language they are accustomed to. If I have a French, a German, a native Cebuano in front of me, they all hear me in their native tongue simultaneously.

Zhan: awesoooooommmmeeee! That beats telekinesis anytime!

Fritz: That means I could talk to the roaches in my flat to leave the house before I spray insecticide. Give them a warning of sorts because I don't like killing things including insects. That means I don't have to sweep away upturned carcasses the morning after. Also, I'd go and convince dust mites to leave my mattress unless they want their colony annihilated. The bug-free home I call Utopia. And...

Zhan: zzzzz.... *snort*

--------------------------

Right about now, six months after the dialogue above, I want a second power. I want to induce diarrhea to anyone at will. The victim would experience the whole package accompanying this very uncomfortable fit. Abdominal pain, weakness of the limbs, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, unease. The works.

Let's say someone like a very annoying fuckface goes to me at work and says:

Fuckface: You mean to say that the Notary Public requires the affiant to be
present when they notarize the document?

Fritz: Yes.

Fuckface: When did this new rule suddenly come into play?!

Fritz: I believe it had always been the case. If everyone would follow the "present" clause in the legal document then everyone is required to appear personally to the Notary Public.

Fuckface: I had never appeared in from of a Notary Public my entire life! Maybe they do not want to earn easy cash.

Fritz (think): Screw you assholic, muthafucking cunt-face! If I weren't wearing this goody-facade and shit, I'd be hurling your ass out of this building through my window, you sarcastic stupid punk! You make me wanna puke!

Fritz (say): Probably... and sorry for the inconvenience.

Had I had the diarrhea-inducing power, the scenario would have happened this way:

Enter FuckFace, stage right...

Fuckface: You mean to say that...

Fritz (think): Di-ar-rhe-a-sis-bum-ba!

Fuckface: awwwooooohhhh... that hurts...

Fritz (say): ...

The stress-free work place is suddenly rid of assholes, albeit momentarily.

This power could be as complex depending on your targets. Have it a go with daredevils on the highway, passengers in the jeepney or FX who just couldn't shut up their trap, stalkers, office posers, annoying politicians while they're on stage during pre-election, sleazy bystanders, stupid traffic enforcers, dumb TV personalities, your neighbor's pet that just shat on your front door, and know-it-alls who really know nothing at all. The list could go on and on and on. Add to it. Feel free.

Life is good again.

.

Labels: Humor

posted by Fritz @ 12:52 PM