Classical Rendered Pop

Since when should weddings be ultra breathtaking to be, at least, modest? Should a couple and their immediate families blow some quarter to half a million bucks for a decent day's event just so the union could be celebrated? In cosmopolitan Makati and the metro, its a sad and typical scenario. Hotel reservations, the florist, the orchestra, catered food, entourage's gowns, giveaways. The list goes on, depending on your taste, and the level of glamour you want to project. Another list of add-ons are necessary, though, should the couple or at least one of the two be a skull-mountain native look- and smell-a-like.

An officemate had her wedding just last Saturday. She was still working on debuging a newly launched system project two days before her big moment. She only have four months to prepare and arrange for everything. As expected, like clockwork to what I'd foreseen at least, there are still minor details left out barely a week to the event and that includes which music to play and when. Come to think of it, this detail isn't minor at all. If any, this should have been the focus of at least a week of the event organizer's time as it will ultimately dictate the mood for the entire affair.

Dreading to hear Elvis Castello's “She” and some CD version of “The Way You Look Tonight”, “From This Moment”, “My Heart Will Go On” a.k.a. The Titanic Song, and other predictably common tracks, I did a search and volunteered to take care of this aspect in exchange for the bride's virginity. I got a slap for a confirmation and I lowered my fee to peeping and videotaping their honeymoon moment. I never finished stating my counter offer when I got a kick in the balls.

FRITZ: You bitch! (groans) How cheap could I still possibly get?!

BRIDE: How about an unlimited helping at our reception's buffet table? That fair enough?

FRITZ: Hmmm... I need some more convincing. How about 10 MMS-sized video clips instead of a 2-hour video footage of your first night?

BRIDE: (completely ignoring my last statement, she inaudibly replied) I'm, um, not a virgin.

FRITZ: I had that coming. OK, since you've got dark armpits and that I pity you, you've got yourself a soddin deal! (clasping her hands with mine that still has traces of dried semen from a hot orgy episode I have gone to two weeks ago)

Getting the tracks that will make me forever known as that-guy-with-impeccable-style-and-class was entirely serendipituous. The bride initially wished for a string quartet to serenade the guests at the reception but that would cost them 23 grand more so I searched for "string quartet" at radioblogclub and found several hits including three Coldplay tracks (Yellow, Clocks, and In My Place) and Madonna's Like a Prayer rendered immaculately in something I'd never imagned possible for classical music. (Do click on the links for a preview of the track)

I got even more excited when I did and research and found out from www.jr.com that there are nearly a hundred artists given string quartet tributes to date including Tori Amos, U2, Alanis Morissette, Gwen Stefani, Good Charlotte, Pearl Jam, Limp Bizkit, Incubus, System of a Down, The Foo Fighters, and 3 Doors Down. Several tribute projects are still in the pipes and are scheduled for release in a few months' time.

Sadly, I could not find a copy of the CDs locally. Not in O Music Video, Empire Records, nor Music One. I pray they get them here soon. I got creative and came up with two CDs of classical-pop music which I'm sure every single one of her guests enjoyed. It had tracks like The Cure's Boys Don't Cry, Guns N Roses' Sweet Child O Mine, and U2's With Or Without You and Sweetest Thing.

The bride, at the photo-session, told me, apart from her heartfelt thank you for my tasteful gift of glam, that several people had already asked her for a copy of the CD. I said, "if they're beautiful and sassy, by all means, tell them my asking price. Do start from the virginity bit and work downwards. Should they fall short of my requirements, tell them to get it from amazon.com. Leeches!"

She just smiled, momentarily catching a glance of my crotch area where my balls used to be.

posted by Fritz @ 12:05 AM